I am scheduled to arrive in Long Island and Boston this week simultaneously with a nor'easter.

It sounds like it is going to be super cold and snowy. I will have a winter adventure to ring in March like a lion.

This business trip may have all the potential for shivering and cold but I felt wonderful warmth when I left the office. I feel confident leaving the day to day office surprises and challenges in Melissa's capable hands. Melissa has become a partner to me. She has been an enormous help and team mate during a time of change and crisis management.

The special ladies and gentlemen in the res department have become "framily". A combination of friends and family. The hugs they shared with me made me feel warm.
It is a warmth I will carry in my heart as I head north.

Let the adventure begin!

THE POLAR EXPRESS SOUNDTRACK LYRICS

"Believe" - sung by JOSH GROBAN & BEYONCE

Children, sleeping.
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling,
Like bells in the distance.
We were dreamers,
Not so long ago.
But one by one, we
All had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away...
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
Give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just believe.

Trains move quickly
To their journey's end.
Destinations...
Are where we begin again.
Ships go sailing,
Far across the sea.
Trusting starlight,
To get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way...
We find ourselves again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that's playing
There's no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just Believe.

If you just believe.
If you just believe.
If you just believe...just believe...just believe.

May we all believe, just believe (smile).

On my way to work this morning the car directly in front of me was hit head on by a truck that crossed the median. I stopped in time to not crash into the car from behind.

I pulled over, off the road, and dialed 911 on my cell phone. As I reported the accident, people from other cars jumped out and ran to see how they could help.

The car that had just been a short distance in front of me was now stuck inside the front of the truck. It was as though the truck had swallowed the car. No one could open doors. No one was getting out. No one was able to get in to help.

The 911 operator asked me if there was a fire. "No fire, but no one is getting out. No one is able to get to the drivers to help them."

The horns of the truck and car were honking loudly, people were trying to direct traffic around the accident. Others were trying with all their energy to help the people inside the vehicles and the sirens were blaring as they hurried to the scene. All this commotion and noise and yet it seemed that the world was completely silent.

I gave my name and number to the police officer and was directed to go on my way to make room for the emergency vehicles. As I drove away, I looked in my rearview mirror. Praying that the people involved would miraculously survive unhurt. I gave thanks that I had stopped in time, that I hadn't added to the accident. I feel guilty that I feel glad that it wasn't me. In only the blink of an eye, one small moment difference and the car in front would have driven on and I would have been the one who they were trying to extract.

None of the work I have to accomplish today, none of the "have tos" on my to do list seem important. My thoughts and prayers remain with the unknown drivers, passengers and families of the people whose lives were forever changed in an instant, right before my eyes.

Link to story in St. Pete Times.

From frolicking on the beach to wandering and playing throughout the Florida State Fair, I enjoyed "Fun In The Sun".

My solar batteries are recharged. The prescription fulfilled.

Tomorrow I begin another quest, Bob Greene's "Total Body Make Over".

I am a work in progress. I am redefining my normal. I am smiling and happily enthusiastic...Kay Say Rah Say Ray, what will be will be.

Of late it seems that my emotions have either been clogged up or running wild.

It is time for me to redefine normal (smile).

The perscription...

Have fun in the sun

Recharge solar batteries

I thought I may be on the verge or in the midst of an emotional breakdown. What should I do? How do I regain control?

The last several months it has felt like my world is unraveling.

I couldn't understand why, how? I attributed it to work, to stress, a variety of explanations. Confusion and worry about what was happening has added to the anxiety. I've done my best to explore solutions to regain my sense of self, to decompress.

Then unexpectedly, this morning I had a light bulb moment. I realized what was wrong.

As I walked into work, Shelley said good morning and asked me casually, "How's life?" I said, "Getting better". She then told me that yesterday had been a bad day for her but she had called her Mom and now things were better. She said calling her Mom always made her feel better.

BINGO, that was it. At that moment I realized what was causing me heartache and increasing emotional instability. In the past I have been blessed to have had my Mom, Dad, and then David Hallal to call. I never took them for granted but I think I took for granted that they would always be there. I had a naive belief in their magical powers. There were supposed to be invincible. Now they are gone.

They each had a unique way of listening and providing a safe harbor for me. A missing piece to my life is calling David everyday.

David had a way of saying things, sometimes not exactly polite and often more direct and to the point than I would like. He was someone who cared and yet had the ability to stand back and be objective, to know when to encourage and support or kick me in the butt when needed. He also had the power to infuriate me and make me crazy when he would be right when we disagreed.

Hearing Shelley this morning made me realize that it isn't so much that I am having a breakdown as it is that things are storing up inside me because my confidant is gone.

My pressure relief valve is gone.

A current popular book is titled One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way. The author, psychologist Robert Maurer, describes the process he used to lose weight. He didn't count calories or carbs or get a personal trainer.

What he did was to throw away one French fry from his plate. Eventually, it became two, then three French fries, or portions of whatever he was eating. In this way, Maurer lost 45 pounds in 18 months - a living example of the premise in his book.

Taking tiny steps to achieve a seemingly impossible goal is the foundational premise of kaizen (pronounced 'kay-zin'). This is a Japanese concept that means 'continuous incremental improvement.' Kaizen has become a catchword in American industry leading to terms like Total Quality Control.

But what could you do in your personal life with this principle? Losing weight is an obvious application -- but what if you wanted to read the Encyclopedia Americana? Learn a new language? Develop new career skills? Write a book? Eat an elephant? Build a new house? Double your income? How could you approach it as one French fry at a time?

If you read about 10 minutes a day, you'll read an average book a month. If you write one page a day, you'll have a book ready to print in six months. If you stop three negative comments a day from coming out of your mouth, in 90 days you will have saved the world from 270 negative blows.

After reading this I recognize that it may help me make the changes I hope for if I will begin to throw away one French fry at a time. Like the rain that eventually changes a stream into a river perhaps small continuous efforts on my part will lead to big changes. Surely, even if I can't yet find the courage to make the big changes, I can find the inner strength and courage to throw away one French fry at a time.

This year has been going by quickly. As 2004 came to a close, wishes for me to give myself permission to change the direction of my life were voiced. Heartfelt wishes that not only touched my heart but stirred my imagination.

Unfortunately, January has slid into February and I find myself caught up in the chaos of trying to meet numerous deadlines and fulfilling responsibilities abandoned when a fellow employee left to pursue other opportunities.

I recently listened to an audio book that referenced climbing the corporate ladder. I have successfully climbed the ladder in the past. What I have learned is that climbing the ladder is not my exercise of choice. I don't need rungs to measure my success and reaching the top has never been synonymous with happiness for me.

I enjoy helping others in their pursuit but the pursuit itself has never proven rewarding to me.

If I could look inside my brain I think it would appear that my thoughts are moving like a lava lamp. The question swirling in my mind is what would I like to do instead? Do I really need a change of employment or rather a change in the role I currently find myself playing?

I am spontaneous, enthusiastic and happy by nature. Currently, I feel "not enough". This is a feeling I felt often last year as I wished I could provide more help and comfort for my dearest friend David Hallal and solutions that would better assist my family. This feeling has overwhelmed and paralyzed my decisions. I don't want to allow myself to fall victim to it again. I am not a victim my nature. It is more my tendency to adapt to a situation and find the best in it.

The trouble this time is that I don't want to adapt. Rebellion is stirred up in me. I don't want to detour once again from my own life's adventure to accommodate the side effects of someone else's choices.

I don't want to find my picture on the side of a milk carton...lost, missing.

As Monday approaches my apprehension about going into the office is growing. Meanwhile daydreams of alternative ways to use my life are growing wild like Kudzu.

It is time to take action. My first action has taken place by writing this. It is helpful to write the feelings down. Some of my confusion and mental chaos may be due to the feelings of loss and heartache that wash over me in unexpected waves since David died. I am sure that his death and the death of both my beloved Mom and Dad contribute to my sense of urgency. My desire to live each precious day to the fullest. To make my time on this earth worthwhile. To make a positive contribution. To show appreciation for this miracle gift of life.

My next action, perhaps the most important, is to ask God for direction.