This year has been going by quickly. As 2004 came to a close, wishes for me to give myself permission to change the direction of my life were voiced. Heartfelt wishes that not only touched my heart but stirred my imagination.

Unfortunately, January has slid into February and I find myself caught up in the chaos of trying to meet numerous deadlines and fulfilling responsibilities abandoned when a fellow employee left to pursue other opportunities.

I recently listened to an audio book that referenced climbing the corporate ladder. I have successfully climbed the ladder in the past. What I have learned is that climbing the ladder is not my exercise of choice. I don't need rungs to measure my success and reaching the top has never been synonymous with happiness for me.

I enjoy helping others in their pursuit but the pursuit itself has never proven rewarding to me.

If I could look inside my brain I think it would appear that my thoughts are moving like a lava lamp. The question swirling in my mind is what would I like to do instead? Do I really need a change of employment or rather a change in the role I currently find myself playing?

I am spontaneous, enthusiastic and happy by nature. Currently, I feel "not enough". This is a feeling I felt often last year as I wished I could provide more help and comfort for my dearest friend David Hallal and solutions that would better assist my family. This feeling has overwhelmed and paralyzed my decisions. I don't want to allow myself to fall victim to it again. I am not a victim my nature. It is more my tendency to adapt to a situation and find the best in it.

The trouble this time is that I don't want to adapt. Rebellion is stirred up in me. I don't want to detour once again from my own life's adventure to accommodate the side effects of someone else's choices.

I don't want to find my picture on the side of a milk carton...lost, missing.

As Monday approaches my apprehension about going into the office is growing. Meanwhile daydreams of alternative ways to use my life are growing wild like Kudzu.

It is time to take action. My first action has taken place by writing this. It is helpful to write the feelings down. Some of my confusion and mental chaos may be due to the feelings of loss and heartache that wash over me in unexpected waves since David died. I am sure that his death and the death of both my beloved Mom and Dad contribute to my sense of urgency. My desire to live each precious day to the fullest. To make my time on this earth worthwhile. To make a positive contribution. To show appreciation for this miracle gift of life.

My next action, perhaps the most important, is to ask God for direction.